Thought Reader’s Journal

I find myself still searching. When I first decided to start performing professionally it was because I had reached a point in my life where I was just floating. I was headed anywhere particular and wasn’t inclined to try. I had no purpose and it was leading me into depression. As I spiraled down farther into my depression I spent more and more time alone. I am already one who would rather spend most evenings alone than in the company of others. But now I wasn’t doing it as a respite from dealing with people. I was just outright avoiding interaction. Partly at least because I was ashamed that my life wasn’t going anywhere and I hadn’t done anything. More so even because although that was all true I was doing nothing to change it. I was just wallowing further and further into misery.

Then one day I found a new show I hadn’t seen before. It was a reality type show (Which I generally despise) revolving around magic. I hadn’t seen or thought about magic in years. Sure I had a small interest as kid, but it was nothing more than a passing fancy I barely remember. But that day watching them perform for Penn and Teller. I was enthralled. I have always enjoyed making people laugh and smile but with my anxiety had never pursued much outside of playing guitar mostly in the background. Watching these guys smile and laugh and perform miracles touched me in way nothing else ever had. It still does.

So yes, I found my hook to get me out. It wasn’t just magic but magic made me realize other things. Gave me what I needed to do the things I should of already been doing.

Wait though, didn’t I just say I was still searching?

Well I am. I realized that I loved something and that no matter what I needed to stick to it and see it through. I realized quickly that just because I love something doesn’t mean I like it all the time. I also realized that there is an awful lot you still have to decide. What kind of magic? Where do you want to perform? For what audiences? What is my character? Should I do this or that?

Just because I had found one answer didn’t mean I had the answer to it all. So yes I am still searching everyday to find my place. Life is always a struggle but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it. If you have to fight no matter what, then fight for something you love.

I know this weeks was supposed to be short but what can I say. I am a rather long winded person. This week also seems maybe a least a bit (A lot!!) disorganized and all over the place. But it was something I felt I needed to get out. Maybe I will go back through and better organize it so it has a point. Thanks again guys for reading. See you next week.


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